It's 2:02 a.m., I can't sleep, tried to force myself to sleep at 11pm and I still ended up waking up. I've lost my share of loved ones and been to my share of funerals, but never in my life have I lost someone THIS close to me. It's definitely a different kind of empathy I have for anyone that has not only lost a loved one, but one they were actually close to.
When I got that call last night......... .............. .............. I don't even know what to say. This isn't a real... like stop playing.... Court I just saw you a week ago being your ole DRAMATIC self. You told me you were set to graduate and was gon get this show on the road! The one we've been talking about since we got close my sophomore year....
Regardless of how much I try not to think about it, I can hear your voice following me wherever I go. You were such a DRAMATIC and hand crafted/unique person I can predict your responses to almost anything...lol
I don't have to do nothing but match and I still can't win.. " Oh so you just think you tight huh...let me guess you just got it like that," " Don't let me have to get you together in front of all your lil fans" Typical greeting...lol or "Oh so you just gon try to play me???",
Right now I'm just longing to hear at least one of those words Court.... It's like we were always there for each other even if we hadn't spoken in a week. That one time when the devil, "Don't be bout dat life..lol" you could count on one of us to be there to push the other along the way. Just your mere presence would give me the strength to go about my day and would talk about you all the time. It's almost like you were a walking symbol of strength because the very second I would even think about complaining about my "small" problems. I'd think about you and all of your life obstacles you entrusted me with...
You always knew how "to get me together." While I'm complaining about stress from Homecoming Fashion show 2007, you were faithfully at every practice and dealing with the loss of your mother. It wasn't until after the show that you told me and I was like ARE YOU SERIOUS? I was so sorry and sympathetic but you didn't need my sympathy. Even though I knew you were hurting... you were already strong and knew how to work through your sorrow.
When I was crying broke, complaining about not having a car, and your PET PEEVE, what seemed to be my annual "Phone-less" month cuz my phone would always stay off from not having the money to pay the bill..... In the midst of all my complaining I would look at you: Working full time, going to school full time, involved at school anddd still managing "outside of FAMU life career wise". When I was phone-less, you were paying your new car note, phone bill, rent and Tuition ON YOUR OWN. One thing I can be grateful for is not having a list of "Shoulda Coulda Wouldas" wishing I had told you how much of an inspiration you were to me.... I can live in comfort knowing we had the kind of relationship where we talked about everything and knew how we felt about each other.
Facebook doesn't even have the capacity for me to write out all of our memories so some stuff I will just cherish as precious memories. However, I just want to thank God for placing you in my life. You could have been at any other place in the world inspiring someone else but you were here in "WACK TALLAHASSEE," as we would call it.. and inspiring people like me...
As hard as it is, i'm forcing myself to not just be a victim and realize that you served a greater purpose on this earth. You represented something so strong that I don't think people realized what they had amongst them. A fraction of the people you've impacted still couldn't live through the obstacles you've overcome. Thinking about all of your strength brought back a particular memory that I, didn't forget but, hadn't thought about in a while....
Valentines day 2008 when we went to the warehouse for that poetry night thing. "Secret Garden".. As we slow danced with that red light beaming over us, I asked you if you could be a fruit what would you be? (I always knew I could just be myself and play my random games with you without you judging me) You weren't at all hesitant .. You took a few seconds to think and asked me to go first so you could see where I was going with this...
I said, "I'd be a pineapple because they are rough, abrasive and misunderstood from the outside but if a hand could endure the rough exterior only to cut it, it would see the tender inside."
Followed by that smile of yours, your response was, "I'd be a grape because they are so sweet and small that if not handled cautiously with care, it could slip right through the cracks of fingers."
I knew right then, even more so, that you were a beautiful person internally with an amazing spirit. and of course Me being EXTRA I couldnt just stop with the Fruit.. so I said WHAT ANIMAL WOULD YOU BE," after listening to me you said...
"This isn't just because i'm dark skinned but i'd have to say Black Panther, because unlike other cat families, the Black Panther is a loaner and spends most of its time alone... Hunting and living alone in the trees, representing power, strength...."
and pretty much everything you really represented here on earth. I had almost forgotten that it was through you, that night, that I started that animal symbolism thing and have been using it to give my closest friends encouragement ever since.... That was you.. that night living through me even while you were here on earth. I remember you loved that RED light so much back at the warehouse so much and kept talking about it... We were having such a good time that we did that photoshoot that night with your red light
At this time even though it hurts like hell, I'm going to give saying goodbye it's first shot with:
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3:5-6)
I may not understand things right now, but I know God has called you back to be closer to him because his angel has fulfilled her duties and purpose here on earth.... Your legacy will forever live and YOUR STRENGTH will always be remembered and will forever "GET ME TOGETHER" every time I think about complaining or quitting anything.. Because even at your lowest of low and roughest of rough times, you NEVER let earths problems get to you.. You are a Warrior, a Panther, an ANGEL and I will always remember and love you.....
Hollywood is a done deal, when I go and see them lil models trying over there i'ma be like ma DAWG Court would sHUT U DOWN so get tight!! & u know I still got you on dogsitting colby.. He will be ok don't worry....
As for Seth... Thats how you know you were GODs ANGEL the entire time... A year ago he might not have been able to take something like this.. but through being around a beacon of STRENGTH like you, he is being stronger than ever for everyone. He loves you and It was a blessing that you could spend your last hours with him. He is even giving me strength right now. I can hear your voice right now "Brandon.. boy if you don't suck it up! I am ok, Wat you don;t know is Heaven actually be dat FYE!! wayyy better than the moon..lol"
Hollywood is a done deal, when I go and see them lil models trying over there i'ma be like ma DAWG Court would sHUT U DOWN so get tight!! & u know I still got you on dogsitting colby.. He will be ok don't worry....
As for Seth... Thats how you know you were GODs ANGEL the entire time... A year ago he might not have been able to take something like this.. but through being around a beacon of STRENGTH like you, he is being stronger than ever for everyone. He loves you and It was a blessing that you could spend your last hours with him. He is even giving me strength right now. I can hear your voice right now "Brandon.. boy if you don't suck it up! I am ok, Wat you don;t know is Heaven actually be dat FYE!! wayyy better than the moon..lol"
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